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A Christmas Elf; the perfect Ninja?

Christmas Elf and Johnny Depp; do they really go together?

Ah, so this is what happens if you write about Elves after watching Pirates of the Caribbean?

In my travels this week, I came across a Tots 100 post asking us to write a poem about what it was like to be the perfect Christmas elf; all part of a competition to win a break to Center Parcs. Wish me luck :-)

I only noticed the comp the day before it was due to end, so I sadly wasn’t able to ask Chatterbox to compose one. I am pretty sure she would have had something to say about said “perfect” elf, if only to point out that mummy’s ideas were undoubtedly all wrong, and her elf was much, much more perfect….

So here goes, hope its not too hideous, its nearly 11pm, I have eaten a shed load of almonds and while chocolate and just finished watching Johnny Depp, so I may not be in the most creative frame of mind….

Ninja Elf, by Helen Neale (influenced by Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow)

A perfect elf’s work is never done; just like your lovely mum,
We have to spy on all you kids, so we might as well have fun,

We hide in your knicker draw, we slip into your socks
We’ve sneaked into your shoes, and jumped into your frocks
We have to know if you’ve been behaving as you should,
Coz Santa only gives his presents to kids who have been good

So if you spot footprints in the butter, or crumbs in the biscuit tin,
Don’t shout and holler for your mum, don’t make a terrible din,
Please give the elves a break my friend, for the best Xmas you’ve ever had,
You never know when the elves can bash you out a nice, shiny new iPad 

Its getting so hard to conceal ourselves, its really big-time tough,
Particularly as these new webcam things make it so blooming rough,
You can check our every movement and don’t even have to be there,
And catching one of us on camera is gonna be quite rare,

The big red man would sack any little elf spotted on YouTube,
Particularly if he was caught in the middle of something rude,
So spare a thought for each of us, as we hide about your house,
Perfect elves practising stealth, ninja moves as quiet as a mouse

And when our detective work is done and we know who’s good or bad,
We’ve got to wrap those dam presents, the most work we’ve ever had,
So please think of Santa’s enforcers, don’t give us a bad rap,
Coz all we really want….is to have that perfect little nap.

So that’s my “perfect” elf; a highly trained Ninja hiding to make sure he gets the lowdown on who’s been good and who, erm, hasn’t!

Hope you enjoyed it – right time for bed :-) What would be your perfect Christmas elf?

Image above courtesy of

Helen is a mum to two, social media consultant, and website editor; and this site is (we think) the only Social Enterprise parenting magazine! Since giving up being a business analyst when juggling travel, work and kids proved too complicated, she founded KiddyCharts so she could be with her kids, and use those grey cells at the same time. KiddyCharts has reach of over 1.1million across social and the site. The blog works with big family brands (including travel) to help promote their services, as well as offering free resources to parents of kids under 10. It gives 51%+ profits to Reverence for Life, who fund a number of important initiatives in Africa, including bringing running water and basic equipment to a school in Tanzania. Helen has worked as a digital marketing consultant (IDM qualified) with various organisations, including Channel Mum, Truprint, Talk to Mums, and Micro Scooters. She loves to be creative in the brand campaigns she works on. Get in touch TODAY!

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The Beesley Buzz

Saturday 5th of January 2013

love the references to ipads, you tube etc. your elves are certainly up to date with what's going on out there. great poem x


Sunday 6th of January 2013

Thanks so much - not sure its good enough to win, but had fun writing it...loved your one as well :-)

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