Christmas Elf and Johnny Depp; do they really go together?

Ah, so this is what happens if you write about Elves after watching Pirates of the Caribbean?

In my travels this week, I came across a Tots 100 post asking us to write a poem about what it was like to be the perfect Christmas elf; all part of a competition to win a break to Center Parcs. Wish me luck :-)

I only noticed the comp the day before it was due to end, so I sadly wasn’t able to ask Chatterbox to compose one. I am pretty sure she would have had something to say about said “perfect” elf, if only to point out that mummy’s ideas were undoubtedly all wrong, and her elf was much, much more perfect….

So here goes, hope its not too hideous, its nearly 11pm, I have eaten a shed load of almonds and while chocolate and just finished watching Johnny Depp, so I may not be in the most creative frame of mind….

Ninja Elf, by Helen Neale (influenced by Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow)

A perfect elf’s work is never done; just like your lovely mum,
We have to spy on all you kids, so we might as well have fun,

We hide in your knicker draw, we slip into your socks
We’ve sneaked into your shoes, and jumped into your frocks
We have to know if you’ve been behaving as you should,
Coz Santa only gives his presents to kids who have been good

So if you spot footprints in the butter, or crumbs in the biscuit tin,
Don’t shout and holler for your mum, don’t make a terrible din,
Please give the elves a break my friend, for the best Xmas you’ve ever had,
You never know when the elves can bash you out a nice, shiny new iPad 

Its getting so hard to conceal ourselves, its really big-time tough,
Particularly as these new webcam things make it so blooming rough,
You can check our every movement and don’t even have to be there,
And catching one of us on camera is gonna be quite rare,

The big red man would sack any little elf spotted on YouTube,
Particularly if he was caught in the middle of something rude,
So spare a thought for each of us, as we hide about your house,
Perfect elves practising stealth, ninja moves as quiet as a mouse

And when our detective work is done and we know who’s good or bad,
We’ve got to wrap those dam presents, the most work we’ve ever had,
So please think of Santa’s enforcers, don’t give us a bad rap,
Coz all we really want….is to have that perfect little nap.

So that’s my “perfect” elf; a highly trained Ninja hiding to make sure he gets the lowdown on who’s been good and who, erm, hasn’t!

Hope you enjoyed it – right time for bed :-) What would be your perfect Christmas elf?

Image above courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net